For more of these, go to: funny jokes and pictures
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My problems all started with my early education. I went to a school for mentally disturbed teachers.
- Woody Allen
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A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.
A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.
Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens." "Wow!" the co-op man replies, "You must really be doing well!"
"Naw," said the man with a sigh, "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"
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A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you $50 the man is going to jump."The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.
The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then." "No, you have to take it," says the blonde.
"I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."
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Three couples are in line at the pearly gates. St. Peter says to the first couple, "Sorry, I can't let you in." "Why not?" asked the husband. "Because all the two of you ever cared about was drinking. "You were either stone drunk or hung over. "You didn't have a sober day in your marriage." said St. Peter. "That's not true!" pleaded the couple. "Really, now." said St. Peter. "What's your wife's name?" "Sherry.", said the man "See, you even married a woman named after a drink!" said St. Peter just as he released a trap door, sending them straight down to hell.
Then he a told the second couple they couldn't get in to Heaven, either. "Why not?" asked the second husband. "Because all you ever cared about was making money, and you didn't care how you did it. You would cheat anybody, anytime to make your fortune." said St. Peter. "You even cheated your own brothers and sisters out of their inheritance!" "That's not true!" pleaded the husband. "Oh, really?" queried St. Peter "What's your wife's name?" "Penny." said the husband. "See?" said St. Peter "You even have wife named after money." At which point he released the trap door sending them down to hell.
The third husband, in dismay, said to his wife, "Gee whiz, Fanny. I don't think we stand a chance!"
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A Woman walks into a supermarket and buy's:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
The guy at the checkout looks at her and says "Single are you?"
The woman replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?"
He replies, "Because you're ugly."
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Bill is out on his morning jog when he sees a hooker. Passing her he says, "20 bucks." "No way," she answers. The following morning Bill is jogging with Hillary. As they pass the same hooker on the street she says: "See what you get for 20 bucks?"
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